Welcome to my world

psychoticmist: if you ever feel bad about yourself remember that george bush was once informed that...

Wed, 22 May 2013 00:19:27 +0100

if you ever feel bad about yourself remember that george bush was once informed that 4 brazilian people were killed in iraq and he responded ‘how many is a brazilian’

novium: that lil bitch

Wed, 22 May 2013 00:18:50 +0100

novium:

that lil bitch

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Wed, 22 May 2013 00:14:38 +0100

keedls: porkrub: It’s a love story baby just say rawr XD Ha

Mon, 20 May 2013 20:10:32 +0100

keedls:

porkrub:

It’s a love story baby just say rawr XD

Ha

tastefullyoffensive: [via]

Mon, 20 May 2013 12:15:57 +0100

tastefullyoffensive:

[via]

alexkisu: helicoils: i’m a massive sucker for girls with sleeves you wanna ask me out now or...

Mon, 20 May 2013 12:14:29 +0100

alexkisu:

helicoils:

i’m a massive sucker for girls with sleeves

you wanna ask me out now or later

modernizing: The Hotel Bubble in France. Bubble Rooms –...

Mon, 20 May 2013 12:02:21 +0100

modernizing:

The Hotel Bubble in France.

Bubble Rooms – ideas, used by two hotels in France. Small bubbles are designed by designer Pierre-Stephane Dumas, they allow you to stay in the room, but at the same time as though and in the open air.

thefrogman: Photos by Barry Bland/Rex Features [website] [h/t:...

Sat, 18 May 2013 08:14:18 +0100

thefrogman:

Photos by Barry Bland/Rex Features [website]

[h/t: magicalnaturetour]

dungeonsanddamsels: ktjjj submitted: once i had a breakdown...

Fri, 17 May 2013 18:52:58 +0100

dungeonsanddamsels:

ktjjj submitted:

once i had a breakdown and cried into my pillow and this happened and i feel like this is an accurate representation of my current mental state

rneerkat: charkoaler: rneerkat: the cafe owner accused of illegally putting fish lungs in his...

Fri, 17 May 2013 18:52:31 +0100

rneerkat:

charkoaler:

rneerkat:

the cafe owner accused of illegally putting fish lungs in his drinks was found gill tea

could you not

comment on my post? thanks for starting that sentence for me

aleeyago: this is the laziest thing i’ve seen in my entire...

Fri, 17 May 2013 18:50:42 +0100

aleeyago:

this is the laziest thing i’ve seen in my entire life

thefrogman: When a man and a woman are in love and get married,...

Mon, 13 May 2013 21:28:14 +0100

thefrogman:

When a man and a woman are in love and get married, they decide to show their love by participating in the most heinous of acts. Sexual intercourse. They turn off all the lights and the man inserts his rod of evil into the woman’s hole of Satan. They must use the missionary position, as it is improper for the male to face the Lord when humping about and making sex faces.

The male thrusts back and forth for nearly a minute until his penis ejaculates seminal fluid into the vaginal cavity. This unleashes several hundred million little spermies all hellbent on finding an egg and making your life a whole lot more expensive. These guys are excellent swimmers too. Once a sperm is in motion it is then officially a spermatozoon. That’s a fun word. Spermatozoooooooon. Spermatozoooooooooooooon.

Anyway.

The millions of spermatozoa (plural of spermatozoooooon) swim their way up the fallopian tubes. They target an egg and ram their spermy little heads into it. Most of them die from head trauma, but sometimes a lucky little tadpole breaks through and takes up residence inside the ovum…creating an embryo.

Depending on your religious beliefs, this is when life begins or it is just a couple of cells that could develop into a wittle baby. If you are a penguin, you really don’t care either way because your brain is unable to comprehend complex concepts.

Once these two parts have bonded, the embryo does its best to attach to the uterine wall so it can begin dividing and conquering the mama’s belly. You must of course feed this little embryo all sorts of strange things. Like pickles and ice cream. Or peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches.

Over the next 9 months those two cells divide into billions of cells creating a fetus.

If you take a picture of this fetus inside the tummy, it will look like an alien creature.

This is normal. You do not have an alien baby.

Then the day comes. The amniotic sac ruptures and the fluid is evacuated out of the vagina. Now…they call this “breaking water,” and even though that fluid is mostly water, there are also proteins, carbohydrates, and even a little pee in it. So if she broke water on your couch, I would give that a decent scrubbing after. Or at least turn the cushion over.

Junior is now ready to squeeze his cantaloupe head through the mother’s golf ball vagina. It’s important that the female breathe like an idiot to distract her from this fact. Typically like, “Hee hee hooooo. Hee hee hooooo.” Once she figures out that doesn’t do shit, she will demand drugs. Give them to her.

Her cervix will dilate. This only happens in centimeters, as doctors are too good for inches. Once it gets to the size of a lemon, they encourage the woman to start pushing. If you offer the woman your hand at this point, she will break every bone in it. I suggest putting your arms behind your back and having an encouraging expression on your face. The female may poop a little, try not to notice that.

Soon the baby’s head will emerge and the doctors may use salad tongs to help pull it out. It will be slimy. It will have goo on it. It will be making strange noises. It will be bright pink and otherworldly.

This is normal. You still do not have an alien baby.

The doctor then gives the baby its first dose of corporal punishment and smacks it firmly to induce breathing. The baby will start crying. Get used to that.

If you were to try and trace this process back to the point of origin, I would say that it all starts with the rod of evil. Which is the delivery mechanism for the spermatozooooons. Which are manufactured and stored in the balls.

So, in conclusion, babies come from men’s balls of sacky malevolence.

[Originally created for Slacktory]

“So the girl is as clever as she is pretty.”

Sun, 12 May 2013 21:34:34 +0100

“So the girl is as clever as she is pretty.”

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Sun, 12 May 2013 13:46:21 +0100

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Fri, 10 May 2013 19:03:08 +0100

are we gonna ignore that the 3 fandoms have a scene in common

Tue, 07 May 2013 11:47:18 +0100

lolsofunny:

lolzpicx: This kid was born for politics.

Tue, 07 May 2013 10:46:05 +0100

lolzpicx:

This kid was born for politics.

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Tue, 07 May 2013 10:38:15 +0100

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Sun, 05 May 2013 14:17:54 +0100

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Sun, 05 May 2013 14:17:13 +0100